Struggles

Three months have passed, Christmas is right around the corner, and views are starting to lessen here so I'm now going to actually hardcore vent. 

There's a lot of aspects of being here that suck. I find myself in the highest of highs, seeing the most incredible things and then the next thing I know I feel like shit. I just don't know why. I miss home a whole hell of a lot. Doesn't look like I'll be going home for Christmas so I have to figure that out. Maybe I'll go north, maybe I'll go to Edinburgh but the one thing I don't want to spend it alone.

It sucks to say this but the honeymoon period of our house has passed. Everyone's dynamics are changing now. And I feel exactly where I was before. So stuck in the middle of everyone. There's 8 people who live here with me and I feel like every single one of them has a loud-ass, funny and unique personality. And I just feel in the middle. When there are too many of them in the room, I cannot talk loud enough to save my life. And because of that, I miss out on a lot of what others are doing. Because of that, my anxiety is getting bad. I'm so scared I'll do the wrong thing with them and mess it all up. I still feel like I have to watch my words around them for absolutely no reason. These are good people. I do see good people and I care about them but I am not there yet. This house is a poison to me, not because of people, not at all, but because of its walls. I so wish I could drive, this would be so different if I could just hop in and go to literally anywhere. But classes are over in a few weeks and I will be here. Surrounded by these walls. I will find something to do but it is weeks of these people being away. Probably spend some nights away from Stirling. It's just that I have to get my work schedule and then we can move on from there. 20 hours a week is ass. It's enough working to live as a student but I just know over Christmas I will be wishing I could work a full week. I'm definitely going to Greece in March but as someone who wants to do these things with people, it sucks. I've invited Lexie and Natasha to Greece but I have no idea what turns are gonna happen in the next few weeks. I care about them a whole hell of a lot, just wish I could read their minds and see what their thinking as well.  I'm struggling. I'm scared. Deep down, I know its gonna work out. I know everything is fine. I just wish my head and my heart were on the same page.

There are some crazy Irish people that I met too. Got my ear pierced with them. Super cool. Also, work people are great. Few people I've connected with really well. I just wish I didn't have to walk on eggshells around the people I live with. Got some banger Christmas gifts for the gals though, I hope they like it. 

I've been watching some videos on abroad students and I have found this to be a common feeling. Many videos I have watched say that being abroad means 'I have to learn how to be my own company, my own best friend'. I don't like it at all but I guess that's just what I got to do.

I'm just taking it day by day. Doing my best to stay positive. Gonna keep trying.

-Syd